A Mom's Letter to Santa

(too funny, and so true)


Dear Santa,


I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned and
cuddled my children on demand, visited the doctor's office
more than my doctor and sold sixty-two cases of candy bars
to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground.
I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases,
since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on the
back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who
knows when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years.


Here are my Christmas wishes:


I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache (in any color, except purple,
which I already have) and arms that don't hurt or flap in the breeze,
but are strong enough to pull my screaming child out of the candy
aisle in the grocery store.
I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh
month of my last pregnancy.
If you're hauling big ticket items this year I'd like fingerprint
resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music, a
television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking
animals, and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the
crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone.


On the practical side, I could use a talking doll that says, "Yes,
Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along with two kids
who don't fight and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way
up without the use of power tools.
I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting "Don't eat in
the living room" and "Take your hands off your brother," because my
voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can
only be heard by the dog.
If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough
time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the
luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it
being served in a Styrofoam container.
If you don't mind, I could also use a few Christmas miracles to
brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to
declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely.
It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around
the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses
of an organized crime family.


Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is calling and my son saw my
feet under the laundry room door. I think he wants his crayon
back. Have a safe trip and remember to leave your wet boots by the door
and come in and dry off so you don't catch cold.
Help yourself to cookies on the table but don't eat too many or leave
crumbs on the carpet.


Yours Always,


MOM...


P.S. One more thing...you can cancel all my requests if you can keep
my children young enough to believe in Santa.